The Emotional Protection of One Self

Light shining through stained glass windows in Ely Cathedral. Ely, U.K.

I think it's safe to say that we’ve all known the type of person who wants to drag everyone else into their own personal hell. We’ve all experienced those whose actions may or may not make sense, but we forgive and forget. Deep inside we hope that they will soon see the fault in their ways. So we try to move on, thinking that our presence alone will make that person feel loved, understood, and not abandoned. Even though we forgive, they still repeat their actions, and each time a little piece of ourselves is burned as an effigy to what loosing ourselves in an attempt to save someone else feels like.

I’ve dealt with this dynamic enough times in my life that I have learned to eventually walk away because I’ve lost myself before and I refuse to let it happen again. So, when someone repeatedly makes me feel like shit for no reason other than their insecurities, I have learned to shut down my emotions in regards to the other person. It may sound cold or cruel, but the part of me that cares shuts off in an attempt to preserve my sanity. I have never done well with self-pity that is extended to others, or those who try to bring everyone in their world down with them. It's a selfish and destructive act that makes my skin crawl.

I have always been, and will continue to be, the girl who easily forgives, but that doesn’t mean that I will always stay steadfast in that person’s life. Especially when I am being made to feel like shit through no fault of my own. Forgiveness does not mean I will continue to go through hell because someone refuses to become aware of and augment their toxic behavior. For me, there will come a point in time where repetition of actions, even if they are followed by apologies, will become more than what I will choose to be apart of.

To me, self-preservation equates to upholding a sense of sanity in one's life, as well as the act of self-respect. Even though that was something I didn’t give myself when I was younger, I’ll be damned if I don’t allow myself that luxury now…


Have you ever experienced anything like this in your life? How did you handle it?