A Light In the Dark

This photo might be blurry but that smile is a genuine representation of how I feel on a regular basis. But that wasn’t always the case. If you would have told me three years ago that I would experience true happiness come the summer of 2015, I would have laughed in your face. Back then I never knew that life could be this good, that I could feel a love so strong or experience mutual respect. Sometimes when I think of my past I don’t even consider it a life lived - it was nothing more than an existence. Yes, there were bits and pieces of happiness, but it was never consistent and something always sent me searching down even darker paths.

But in the summer of 2015, everything changed the night that Alex & I re-met. That was when an overwhelming feeling of clarity began to settle into the very fiber of my being. Alex was so different, so sweet and so pure - like white magic. And all those years filled with depression, anxiety, pain, and hurt were no longer a badge of courage. My current situation had morphed into something that I knew I could no longer put up with. I had finally learned that I deserved so much more. That night something within me changed and I made the decision, right then and there, to leave my previous marriage. It was sudden (and shocking to some, I’m sure) but it had taken me so, so long to finally gain that courage and move on.

I still can’t fully explain how my fearlessness went from zero to sixty in less than twenty-four hours, but it did. It was raw and real and urgent. But what I do know is that it was because of Alex, my light in the dark. And my god, how much brighter the light is after the storm...

Memories ripe with the feeling of unwavering love...

Sometimes when life happens it can be incredibly difficult to see how special certain moments truly are. At times we might take our life for granted. Instead of seeing how fortunate we are. We wish for one thing or another, and somehow we miss the reality of it all. I remember a few months after Alex & I started dating we lived with my parents in order to save money for our first place. Somehow the two of us managed to share a twin size bed. The bed was so small that most nights Alex would wake up on the floor, but somehow we managed. Our room was tiny and the furniture I inherited from my grandparents filled up the majority of it. Along with Olive's cage, which was nestled on the floor under the window at the foot of our bed, the room was slightly cramped. I remember anxiously dreaming about the time when we could finally have a place of our own and yes, a bigger bed.

Whenever I think about it now that twin bed we shared seems so magical, so perfect. Because honestly, it was. Our love was fresh and life had just begun for us. Our bed is much bigger now, but sometimes, oddly enough, I despise the extra space. Most of the time we'll find our way back to each other, eyes heavy with sleep, bodies curving around the others. And sometimes, if we're lucky Olive will wedge her fluffy little self between the two of us. This new normal that fills up our days and nights in a place we call our own is heavenly. When a quiet moment presents itself I can't help but recall our beginnings: a girl and a boy reconnecting after seventeen years apart - finding a love so deep that neither one of them knew existed. It's in those moments that I remember the beauty of our past and take note of how it's transformed into memories that I will cherish forever. Memories ripe with a feeling of unwavering love that I will hold steady in my heart until the moon begins its slow decay.



Also, if you'd like to read an interesting article on the moon's inevitable disintegration head over here.

Mornings Filled With Happiness

This is a simple mug. From all outward appearances, nothing special. A hefty burgundy mug, with a painted white pattern - "England" pressed into the bottom in a curve. To others, this mug is nothing special. But to me it is everything. When Alex & I first started dating, we'd wake up at his place and he'd make us French Press coffee. And he'd always, always, always give me my coffee in this mug. So many mornings, where we'd sit in his living room, on that leather couch, sun filtering through every window. We would sit there drinking our coffee. Ruefully counting down the minutes until we had to go to work, away from one another.

I still drink from this mug, and every time I do, it brings me straight back to those mornings filled with warm coffee, happiness and the love of my life by my side.

Such A Curious Thing

The passing of time is such a curious thing. Minutes turn into hours, days turn into months, and before you know it, years pass by. More often than not I look back on the past two years and I am left in a state of wonderment. My heart full and open. Two years ago my life changed forever. It was an event that I would have never bet on. An event that, at the time, I didn't know how much I desperately needed.

I never would have guessed that fate would have dealt me such an incredible hand. When Alex came back into my life everything became so clear. All of the past hurt seemed to melt away; my fractured soul healed. I can still remember that night so clearly. All of those moments still vivid: the stolen glances, our conversations, the secrets shared. Everything was so easy then and it still is. I know that relationships take work, but it doesn't have to be hard. It shouldn't be. Love is not a battle to be endured. Love is a precious thing that should be treasured.
 
Since the night that Alex & I were reacquainted both of our lives changed in such immeasurable ways. Two years of watching one another grow and always taking time to nurture the other. Yes we have changed, but we have changed together. And isn't that the beauty of true love? The passing of time and the connecting & re-connecting of two souls that are ever-evolving...

Happy two years, my love. You are my favourite. I'm so glad that we have each other.

Another Avenue

I don't think I'll ever forget the morning Alex & I walked from the Victorian Historic District to downtown Savannah. We stopped into antique shops and book stores along the way. He wanted to take me to this incredible diner for two reasons: 1) he loved their food and knew I would too and 2) he knows my obsession with good diners. For whatever reason inspired him to take me there, I'm glad he did.

So we sat there inside of J. Christopher's drinking our coffee and waiting on our food. I couldn't help but let my mind wander as I looked out onto the sidewalk. I sat there in a dream-like state, letting my mind create stories of our future together. I stumbled across the idea of living in Savannah with the man of my dreams.. thinking about what our lives would look like. Would our Saturday mornings be spent discussing our everyday lives at this same table? Would we discuss the finer points of life and decided if one day we would ever really want to have a baby?

And it's funny now, to look back on that and realize that a piece of us got left behind in that diner. Surely, it could have been another avenue our lives might have taken. Moving to Savannah, starting a life away from family and friends. But we opted to remain where we are. In a state that's too hot. In a city where we grew up, a charming town where we first met and then re-met again. Although we did carry a part of my daydream with us. Because now we both want what we both thought we never wanted before - at least not with anyone else.

Honey + Blood

I am drawn to you,
the way a bee is drawn
to the sweetest nectar
of the most stunning flower.

The deep red blood
that pulses through your veins
creates a soundtrack
that I could listen to
for days.

Dripping with Happiness

Mornings are the hardest part, because it's the start of the day that takes us away from each other. So we lie there with baited breath, knowing what the outcome will be. The clock stealing what little time we have left together. Olive thuds into bed next to me and we lie there even longer. Alarms go off and we rise from our bed; grudgingly removing the covers.

But all I want to do is stay in that moment; to feel the warmth of his body to the right of me - my arm holding him close. I want to feel Olive's little breath upon my face because she has shoved her fluffy self in between my chest and the inside of my left arm. I want to stay in that moment forever, because it feels like home. Safe, warm, and dripping with happiness.

Instead we reluctantly get dressed, wash our faces, brush our teeth. We feed the rabbit, make coffee and go our separate ways. Each departure sealed with a hug and a kiss.

These Words

There's something inexplicable in how your cheek feels when it is pressed against mine, the smell of your hair, or the touch of your skin. And yet I keep finding myself trying to express it. All that I am able to muster up are a series of words that by themselves don't seem to do justice to the feelings that reside. There are no perfectly constructed sentences, no drawn out paragraphs that run on for miles. There are just words: bliss, warmth, magic, history, future, love, soul, tranquility.

Heavy With Sleep

The other night I had an idea for something to write. Not a poem or a short story, but a snippet of my feelings for you. It came to me when my mind was heavy with sleep and I went to bed without being able to write anything down. But the next morning when I looked into your eyes, the feeling I had felt the night before washed over me.

A Kaleidoscope of Blue Skies

You have sparked something within me that has given life to barren spaces, leaving me with a sea of words for me to create and the rekindled ability to breathe life into once lifeless beings.

Last night I stared into your eyes in amazement, in utter disbelief, that we were ever apart. The fact that we had lived seventeen years without one another settled into the bottom of my heart and brought along with it a dull ache. It's still magical to me that we even stumbled across one another again and each day that goes by the harder it is to imagine life without you. I can't even begin to fathom another seventeen years without you by my side, let alone a solitary day, because your mere existence has brought a kaleidoscope of blue skies to even the gloomiest of days.

The Sound of Ones Heart

Oh, my precious one. The one whose heartbeat calms me whenever I place my head onto his chest. The consistent thump, thump, thump. It is a sound that I have grown accustomed to over these past months. A sound that I crave late at night when he is sleeping next to me and I have awoken for no other reason but to move closer to him, to feel his soul next to mine. I move past the expanse of bed sheets and blankets, wrap my arm around him and bury my face into his hair. How sweet it is when he turns to me in his sleep-ridden haze, lays on his back and places my head unto his chest. Thump, thump, thump.

And my darling, these months between us have added up.
Tenths come and go and here we are still in love and yet,
it's growing even deeper.

Through the Eyes of Love

I don't think I'll ever get over the reality of how much you truly understand and love me. I will always be baffled by the fact that you accept me, with all of my flaws and with no desire to change me. And when you tell me that I am the best woman that you have ever known - I believe you, even when I don't believe that I am worthy of that title. I'm thankful for you, because as each day passes I slowly begin to see myself through your eyes.

I know that you aren't able to see the man that I am able to see so clearly. You have difficulty seeing your self worth. You have a hard time accepting your strength, humor, handsomeness and all the other aspects that make you amazing. But darling, all of that is within you. You are all that I see - the only man that I want - and I will always tell you that. It doesn't matter to me if it takes fifty years for it to sink in. I promise that I'll keep holding your hand and telling you how incredible you truly are.

Our Slow Dance

The other afternoon you took my hand, wrapped your arm around my waist and drew me towards you. I looked up at you, my cheeks surely turning pink, and watched as a shy smile appeared on your face. Are you dancing with me? I asked with happiness drenching my words. You spun me around several times and when I told you I was a little dizzy you held me even closer and whispered that it was okay. You started to move, slowly, leaving my body no other glorious choice but to follow your lead as our bodies moved in sync to nothing but the silence of our living room and our soft breathing.

When I think of us...

When I think of us I think of long winded conversations, endless laughter, kisses on foreheads and the way in which he calls me sweetheart after he says he loves me - the softness that resides in his words as they fall from his mouth makes me swoon each time. It's us sprawled across our bed, limbs tangled with one another and our white sheets. It's us drinking coffee too late at night and binge watching shows that we end up pausing in order to talk.

We are past, present and future; teenage sweethearts that somehow, with magic and luck on their side, managed to find one another in adulthood - at a time when we both needed each other more than ever.

Alex, the love I have for you is deep, deeper than any ocean and every time I look at you I know that I have loved you all along. And when you're big, brown eyes stare into mine, early in the morning when we are first waking up - sun pouring through the window, it leaves my heart so full that I swear it could simply burst at any given moment.

The Start of Incredible Things

We spent the first night in our new place unpacking boxes instead of relaxing. Alex was sitting on the floor of the living room, removing random possessions from a giant cardboard box as City & Colour played on our stereo. He sung along to our favourite songs, his voice carrying it's way though all of the rooms. There was something magical in that moment - the way in which the many shades of dusk filtered through the sliding glass door, his voice and the happiness I felt. I was reorganizing the kitchen as I heard him turn on Lake Street Dive's song "Just Ask" and I stopped in my tracks. Of course he would play that song; he is just as sentimental as I am. When we first started dating he had sent me that song through a text, the lyrics giving him a way to express his love for me and how he would do anything to make me happy. A tear started to well in my eyes, like they do every time I hear that song, and I walked over to him, whispered that I loved him and kissed him hard on the mouth. This is the beginning of our life together, I thought as we stood there hugging in the living room, this moment is the start of incredible things.

A Memory and A Kiss

Sometimes when I think about our first encounter, from when we were teenagers, my mind struggles to properly put all of the pieces back together. The ones that are missing are far too hazy and fog-ridden for me to create a concrete memory. Sadly, there is a list of things that I cannot remember but there is also a list of things that I will never forget: a dimly lit movie theater with Dark Citiy projected onto the screen and your fingers interlaced with mine,  how your innocent fifteen year old face would look upon mine whenever I spoke, the shape of your eyes, your dark hair.

And during all those years in between, I remembered your name. 
Your name would always linger in the back of my mind. Sometimes it would come out of nowhere and along with it came a sense of a memory, a feeling that I couldn’t quite pin down. But when I saw you again, after seventeen years of us being apart, all of those missing pieces fell into place. All of those feelings came rushing in and when you placed your lips upon mine, for the first time in years, I remembered how it felt to kiss you.